12/11/2022, 01:25 AM – A good time to write, certainly.

Hey. Why was I so angry these past four years?

What hurt me so badly?

I spent a lot of time thinking about it, so you’d really figure I have a good answer by now. But I don’t think I do.

An old friend of mine asked me “Hey, why DID you hate it all so much?”

Sure, I had an answer. The words came out of my mouth and they were not untrue. But it felt hollow. Like I just vocalized meaningless noise because of some reflex. I hated how I felt after that.

I want to find out. I want to put it into concrete words. I never want to feel like I did again. And to whatever extent that it is in my power, I want to make sure as many people as possible do not have to feel the way I felt. But how can I achieve such things if I do not even solidly know, beyond the shadow of a whisper of a doubt, what it is that I hated so deeply.

I’m going to toss things at a wall here, eventually. I hope putting all this to paper will mean I know myself at least a little bit better.