25/12/2022, 01:10 AM – Redundancy is an important feature of engineering.
Merry Christmas, and a mildly belated happy birthday to myself. I planned on doing something for myself a bit earlier, but I got horribly sick. Flus are unpleasant.
It’s been about a month, huh.
I got a job, in that time. Pretty nice one it seems to me. Somewhat excited. Start right after new years. That’s my short term goal struck out of the way. It felt like a huge relief, as anyone might expect. It felt nice, not needing to worry about work or employment anymore for a moment.
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I do not like the direction my head is going in. I’ve felt so terribly lonely these past couple of months. Feeling like I’m alone in a crowd of people is a feeling I violently dislike, but it’s come up over and over and over and over again lately. That in itself is fine. Of course it is. It must be. I expected as much.
But I feel like I’ve broken a promise I’ve made to myself. I told myself I’d be more open with my friends. The ones closest to me especially. A lie! I have grown scared. Scared to pour out my heart for fear of not being understood. It makes me sad that I feel that the people I am around I cannot connect with. However, it makes me violently annoyed that I do not try to anyway.
AH.
Everything around me has become more and more annoying to me by the day. That is fine. These were within my expectations. But I do not like how I have responded to these things. I feel in my head that I become more arrogant and conceited and scared. Too terrified of pain to do anything. Too scared of rejection. The thought is creeping ever so slowly into my head that I should resent these people for failing to be able to talk to me. What stupidity! What arrogance! What useless self-importance!
I have failed myself.
It will be exhausting. And painful. And annoying. But I must fix this before I become something I will hate.
Open your heart.
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I feel so incredibly lonely.
I wish for no one to ever have to feel this way.
I wish to be able to ease the pain of any who do.
I have become closed off.
I am heading in the wrong direction.
I must correct my course.
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What am I trying to express?
I don’t really know.
I suppose I’m just letting a stream of thoughts out into the void.
Hey, that’s pretty nice.
Maybe one day I’ll get better at it.