02:08, 10/08/2024 – In bed, next to a pile of (clean!) laundry.

Hi there again! It seems I only really ever swing by when my head doesn’t quite make sense. Well, it’s not like it usually does. I suppose I come by when I absolutely, really need someone to talk to.

Anyway!

Well, to be honest, I don’t really know what I want to express, or how I would express it. There’s a sort of extreme feeling of unease and dissatisfaction that’s been coiling itself around my mind for a while now. And for so many different reasons! I think, though, mainly I’m just disappointed at myself. This is probably going to be even more disjointed that normal.

It’s not that things have been particularly challenging or anything lately, but my recent activities really have left me wishing I were better at using my brain. I wish I were more competent. Mainly because there are some truly fast people out there that I want to keep up with.

In all honesty, the fact that I want to keep up with them feels like unbound hubris, really. But I want to! I think I can. I do not think this is beyond me.

Well, to be honest. There’s a pretty good chance this is a case of myself not knowing how big that gap is. But I suppose that’s not the point. Or well, that isn’t the point. I want to believe I can get there. I believe I can get there. There’s… a lot of things wrong with that belief. I’m not all that passionate about these things, nor am I all that interested in them. But at the very least, I want to be good at the things I do so that everyone else around me has as easy a time as possible. I think that sounds about right. I certainly do not want to be good at these things out of any inherent desire to be good at them! I think these things are neat, but my self-motivation just about ends there.

Aah…

Everything else has been feeling pretty lonely too, lately. It’s not a new feeling, to be sure. But it does feel quite a lot more intensified lately. I don’t really have anyone to talk to anymore. Well, I realised this quite a while ago. It is quite apparent nowadays that when I start talking about whatever is in my head, it feels like its met with a lot of silence. But that’s fine. Though it feels pretty stupid and conceited, these people that it feels like I can no longer really relate to very much at all are still people I care about very deeply. Well, for whatever little that is worth, anyway.

I think I’ll manage, though. Somehow. Somehow.

多分これからも続いていく

綺麗と思うもの

空の色 …

セゾン　―　カネコアヤノ

I think there are enough things in the world for me to read to not feel lonely.

I’ll keep trying my best to keep up.

Hey, the world is an amazing place, isn’t it?