13/04/2023 – Gatwick Airport, in a corner of the Costa Coffee in front of the arrivals hall.

Hi.

I missed a month! Silly me. Well, nothing much happened in that month anyway. My head seems to have… sort of? Settled down. So has my life, I suppose.
I am settling into work fine, surprisingly.
My family came to visit me. My grandma came along this time, and I got to meet her again. That was nice.

Ah, I really am a useless human being aren’t I. Well, nothing much has really happened for me to warrant saying that, but it’s still been swirling around in my head for a while now. But, I don’t know how many more times I’ll be able to see my grandmother. I guess I’ll try to spend as much time as I can back home. I don’t really know what else I can do about it. Nothing, I suppose. Time marches on!

I wish I wasn’t so godawful at doing things. Again, I really don’t know why it’s been in my head so much…
I think I wished I could do more for the people close to me. But they do not need me! They are all much more competent people than that, god bless them. So I suppose that is not it either. Perhaps I am simply disappointed at myself. I’ll figure it out, I think. There’s a sense of intense melancholy that I haven’t been able to get rid of.

I write this as I am waiting in the airport. For a person I have spent I suppose about a quarter of my life being very close to, at this point. And yet I do not think I could live with that person. It is sad. I desperately wished we were both slightly different people, but we are not! Oh well. Life goes on. For the while that she visits me I shall try my best to make sure she is comfortable. A task I am monumentaly awful at, but I’ll try my best! In all honesty, our relationship with each other perhaps is not the best nor healthiest one in the whole wide world. But regardless, I care for her very deeply. I wish I could do more for her. But I cannot. I am poor comfort, I think, for someone like her. Still, I shall try my best.

I realize that is all I can do for so very many things in my life now. It’s a state I’m… Quite happy about, to be honest. It’s been swirling around in my head a great deal but the thought hasn’t been causing me much discomfort at all. Perhaps I am useless, and passionless, and generally not-very-good-at-anything. But that’s fine. I don’t mind it. I’ll keep trying. And trying! It’s comforting in a sense, in it’s own strange way. I’ll get better at things. Hey, if I could change from that stupid child who could barely talk to people, I can do anything! The world is my oyster! My incompetence liberates me.

Or something.
    What the hell am I even saying?

Who knows. But I think it’s fine. I am an idiot carried by his luck. I’ll keep on tripping over things until eventually I either become immune to the pain or learn how to stop tripping. Or break my own face tripping so many times, but at least I think that’ll be a pretty funny story.

Ahhh! To all the people I know, I extend my deepest gratitudes. Perhaps I will never articulate it properly to most of you, awkward bastard that I am.

I’ll try again! Next time I promise I won’t be late! I’ll do all my chores and read all my books and do all my kanji practice and dot all my i’s and cross all my t’s! Promise!

I’ll keep trying. It is all I am a good for!