22/09/2022 – On a long flight from home to home.
I write this to put my resolutions into words, in the hope that I do not forget them so easily. And as a form of a reflection, of the last 4 years of my life.
Inspired by a silly little song that I really like, ひとひら by きのこ帝国
It is the 22nd of September 2022. I am returning to the country I studied in, after spending some time home.
It has been… 4? Months since I graduated from university. I have spent much of that time doing nothing. Initially, I had applied for a few employment opportunities here and there, but I was promptly rejected from all of them. I was not surprised. I am not a person worth particularly much.
Ah, these flights always give me a lot of time to think. And a lot of things to think about. This one especially. I’ve had a lot of time to talk to many different people about what I want to do from this point on. Friends and family both. To be honest, I still don’t know. At least, in terms of what I do for a living. I think, ultimately, I don’t care too much, as long as it’s interesting.
I am a coward. I do not dare say what is in my head. The thought of being ridiculed for it terrifies me. Or the thought that no one will have any idea what I’m going on about. The idea of not being understood is one I cannot come to terms with.
But for once in my life, I think I should scream it out as loud as I can. So I do not forget it so easily. I fear if I do, I will not be able to live myself.
I want to burn myself.
Well, metaphorically.
I want to burn away at my existence as if it were fuel until there is nothing left. On my own terms, for what I want.
I am a person filled with a great deal of hate and anger. I look at the world and there is no end to the things that I want to kill. Things that I think would be better dead and gone. Everything I have experienced in the last four years have made me want to burn many systems down to the ground, because such incompetence does not deserve to exist. Things that have been rotten and dead for decades that do not change because it does not serve the interests of anyone.
I want to fix all these things. I want to have the power to fix all these things. Not because of any noble reason, but because I cannot tolerate their existence.
But as I am right now, I am worthless. I know nothing, and am capable of doing nothing.
So I will swallow my pride. I will debase myself and embrace these things that I find to be so dehumanizing so that I may eventually be able to annihilate these things I hate. I want to work myself to nothing so that eventually these eyesores will be gone from my world.
It is a childish desire. A deeply selfish one that I will probably never be able to succeed in.
But it is what I want.
I want to change to achieve this desire of mine. I want to be able to withstand doing the many, many things that I hate so that I may be able to better myself. So that I have the power I need to cleanse the world of the things I hate.
I am an intensely lazy person. I can be described neither as motivated nor ambitious. But I hope that I can burn all these things away. That I can suppress this desire to look at paint dry on a wall in order to satisfy the voice in my head screaming at me to make right everything that makes me shout at the world in such infinite frustration.
This is my prayer.